Summertime Blues

I'm in the middle of my yearly summer depression. The heat, the pain and having to stay inside all the time get to me and my mood plummets. I usually don't start feeling better until it gets cooler in October. I get "intrusive thoughts" during this time of year; thoughts that will jump into my head when I'm engrossed in something else: "You'll die soon", "You'll be a widow", things along those lines. I've been in therapy for years learning different ways to cope with these thoughts, but nothing has ever made them stop.

Sometimes I think that I'll die never having enjoyed living, and this makes me even sadder. There have been episodes when I enjoyed my life, such as when my husband and I knew we were the ones for each other and when we married. I love being married and I can honestly say that it's the one good thing I've accomplished in my life, but I still feel like I'm just existing. Many times I feel like I'm too damaged to enjoy living, like a toy that's been thrown across the room too many times and won't work right. Life is a trial, for the most part.

All of this has nothing to do with anyone else in my life now. It's all to do with stuff from my past, dragging me down like a ball and chain. How old do I have to be to get rid of it? I don't like talking about this stuff to anyone, even if they ask. I know they're just doing it to be polite. It's boring and tiresome to me, so why would it be interesting to someone else? I post about it in this blog because it's the only place I feel comfortable about confiding.

I'll feel differently in October, I always do. That's the one lesson I've learned from dealing with life-long black depressions; this too shall pass. It always does. Whether what comes after is good or bad is hard to say.

Random School Memories - First Grade

I started school in 1971 at age 5. I attended Catholic school in Dallas, even though I wasn't Catholic; mainly because my mother had taught me to read and write when I was 4 and Dallas public schools would not allow 5-year-olds to begin first grade. Since my birthday was in October, I would have had to wait another year to begin class. The Catholics allowed non-Catholic children to attend class there as long as their parents didn't have a problem with the kids attending catechism class and morning mass. So, I was effectively Catholic for a year.
We got to wear cute little uniforms, which I loved. My mom was working two jobs to support me after my parents' divorce and she didn't have any extra money for stylish clothes or indeed sometimes for food, so my clothes would be quite threadbare. Kids can be very cruel if you were different in any way; the uniform meant that I looked like everyone else and I was grateful for that. I already felt very apart from everyone, even at that young age. We used Big Chief tablets to write in (with a picture of a hippie on the front; not the ones with an Indian chief) and those big fat pencils to write with.


My teacher was Sister Bernadette, who dressed in a pantsuit with her veil. I remember being smacked across the knuckles with a ruler when she caught me trying to write left-handed like my mother. Our class went on several great field trips; the Schweppes ice cream factory (we got little containers of peppermint ice cream), the Mrs. Baird's Bakery on Mockingbird (we got little loaves of bread) and the Dr Pepper bottling plant (guess what we got there?).

My mom could only afford for me to attend one year and she wasn't wild about me actually becoming Catholic if I stayed any longer (her family was Southern Baptist. She didn't tell any of them that I was in Catholic school; they would have shit a brick!) so for second grade, I would attend Reinhardt Elementary in east Dallas. More to come.......

Not a Girly-Girl

I've never been accused of being feminine. I don't get manicures or pedicures, I don't wear dresses or shorts unless forced, I take only the minimal amount of time to out on makeup, and that's only during the week. When I'm not working, I don't wear makeup.
I used to paint my grandmother's nails and give her manicures, but I'm absolutely terrible at treating myself to such luxuries. When I try to paint my own nails, it looks sloppy and awful.
I hate clothes shopping with a burning passion. I'd rather do yard work than go clothes shopping. I'd rather eat liver than go clothes shopping. I wear jeans and t-shirts exclusively, which is boring but comfortable.
Maybe my poor sense of self-esteem is to blame? You can see by my headline picture that I love glamor, but I cannot see myself in that way. I'd like to, to a certain extent. I'm certainly not going to out forth the effort that most women do, but I would like to change my appearance. I'm not happy with this one.

A Fox in the Henhouse

Not really, but we did have a raccoon in the office yesterday. My co-worker was quite surprised when he ambled into her cubicle. Our boss would have been even more surprised if she had been in her office when it fell through the ceiling.....

Anniversary

My marriage makes it possible for me to live. I have no doubt that I could exist by myself, because I've done so before, but that's all it would be: existing. I consider my husband and myself to be two halves of a whole. We've been married for 15 years this month and we've been together for 20 years this November. I hate being apart from him.
When I was younger, I never fretted about not having boyfriends. I knew that my soul mate was out there somewhere and I would find him eventually. My marriage is the best thing I've done in my life.

A Smile, Two Bangs and A Religion

This is where I got the title of my blog and it's also one of my favorite Python sketches "Live at the Refreshment Room, Bletchley":


Here's another favorite: Tonight, mollusks.


My all-time favorite Monty Python sketch is this one, which has to do with "woody" sounding words as opposed to "tinny" sounding words:


Most of the Python sketches I loved were written by Eric Idle, who had a degree in English. I love to play with words and phrases. My degree is in Linguistics, the study of language, which includes slang and dialects:

Work

Tomorrow, I help my supervisor teach a class on payment vouchers. I'm supposed to teach half of the class, then all of the classes after this one. I enjoy it, so I'm looking forward to it. I'm almost finished with the office intranet site too.

I had another cervical steroid injection today and I'm having a lot of pain. My thighs are spasming like I've ridden a bike up Mount Kilimanjaro and I have a dull headache, not to mention wanting to eat everything in the house. I suppose that's a side effect from the steroids. I've held off, though. I'll need to remember the Darvocet tomorrow. I'm going to need it.

Home

I awoke this morning with a pounding head, so home I stayed. I ended up sleeping until noon, and my head eased up a bit. This windy weather is killing me. The wind always seems to blow in something that blows my head up.

I talked to my aunt last night. She just lost her husband last month and it broke my heart to hear her crying on the phone. She got married for the first time when she was 13 (country people used to do that back then) and she married her second husband almost immediately after the first one died, so she's never been alone her whole life. It has to be a terrifying prospect for her. It seemed like everything I said to her was cliched; "he's not suffering anymore, etc." I honestly didn't know what I could have said to give her any comfort. I don't even want to think about how I would feel if Adrian goes before I do. My aunt and my cousin see her daily, and she's in a nursing home, so she's not truly alone, but still.....

Adrian and I are considering buying memberships to the Rec Sports complex at work. It's expensive but no more so than a gym membership and you can go to any of the gyms on campus, plus use the pools. They have Faculty/Staff rooms, so you don't have to mix with the students. There's nothing that makes you feel that working out is pointless like a hot 19-year-old with a perfect body walking past you to the weight room. I'd rather be in a room with the lumpy and old, like myself. We can get a free 7 day pass to see if it would work for us, and my pain situation might be affected negatively. I'll have to see.

you are plum #DDA0DD

Your dominant hues are red and blue. You're confident and like showing people new ideas. You play well with others and can be very influential if you want to be. Your saturation level is low - You stay out of stressful situations and advise others to do the same. You may not be the go-to person when something really needs done, but you know never to blow things out of proportion. Your outlook on life is bright. You see good things in situations where others may not be able to, and it frustrates you to see them get down on everything.

the spacefem.com html color quiz

Seven Years

Mom has been gone 7 years today. Even if I were ever to forget the date, my body would remember. I get sick every year on this date. It's as if my body is remembering the stress and misery I was going through and the pain of missing Mom so desperately.

Not Good

I got an epidural injection in my neck from my new pain doc 2 weeks ago. Unlike my previous injections from my old doc, this one hurt. It still hurts. I have a hump on the back of my neck that swelled like a toad for 3 days, and I've had more pain these last 2 weeks than previously. I'm supposed to get a lower back injection on April 6th, but I'm going to have to think about it. It's hard enough to function with this level of pain and I don't need it getting worse.

I also have jury duty this month for the first time ever. I was called several times when I was in college, but students don't have to go. I don't have that luxury anymore, so I guess I'll find out what it's like. I've heard that it doesn't work anymore to proclaim that you're for the death penalty for parking offenses, so I hope I don't get chosen.

Money and Pain

We received our tax refund this week. We had already decided that most of it would be spent on things for the house, such as a new water heater and maybe a dishwasher. Adrian also needs new glasses. I splurged and bought myself an iPod Touch. It's worth every penny, let me tell you. I rely on my iPod to get me through the boring work days, when all I do is look at payment vouchers all day until my eyes are like pinwheels.

My uncle Larry (my father's younger brother) passed away last week. He was loading a U-Haul to move to Texas and dropped dead of a heart attack. I don't remember him very well, because for most of my life, he lived in California with his family. They lived in Greenville for a little while when I was in junior high and gave me their water bed instead of having to move it back to Cali. I remember that he looked just like my father and was usually laughing about something. I'm sorry I didn't get to know him better.

I worry about my family in Greenville because of all the drama they have to deal with. Constant health problems, dealing with elderly relatives who do not understand why they can't live at home anymore, etc. It was a constant struggle when I still lived at home, so I feel like I had to move away. Dallas was not far enough. It's not that I don't love them, far from it. I just cannot deal with constant tragedy. I cannot see why I have to deal with it in order to prove my love for my family. All of my family members profess to understand why I moved to Austin, but I have to wonder if they really think I ran away from them. Maybe it's my own sense of guilt speaking. I do know that my mother always wanted me to be happy and it caused her pain to know that I wasn't happy while growing up and also for a good chunk of my adult life. When she died, I made a promise that I would be happy. Although I've missed her desperately for the last 7 years (9 years if you count the time while she was ill), I'm happier now than I've ever been in my life. I feel like my life has a "flow" now, like things are happening the way they should. That's all I ever wanted and that's what my Mom wanted for me. I only wish she were here to share it. I wish things would go smoother for my family too. They've had to deal with too much for too long.

I thought my nose was running, but it'snot........

I've had "cedar fever" all weekend and didn't go to work today. This is the first year it's bothered me. Usually everyone around me is suffering and I'm fine, greedily breathing through my nose at their misery. I slept all day today and only got up to go grocery shopping.

Back to work tomorrow.....lots to do. I see a new pain specialist on the 10th. Looking forward to that, oh yessssssss..........

Phobias

Most people have phobias of scary things like heights, spiders, snakes and such. I like to think of myself as fearless, but the fact is I'm actually very afraid of two things: search lights and horseshoe crabs.

Search lights (like the type outside movie premieres) make me think that Hitler is coming to get me. I don't know why this is; perhaps I was a Jew in hiding in a previous life or maybe I saw too many bad Nazi WW2 movies. My mom found out about this phobia of mine when I was about 8 years old and we were driving down Northwest Highway in Dallas, where there are loads of car dealerships. For some reason I cannot fathom, car dealerships back then used search lights at night. We passed one when it was pointed directly at our car and I freaked out. I screamed and hid my head and later that night (and for days afterward) I had nightmares about Hitler and the Nazis coming to get me. Now the only time you see search lights is in front of topless bars and I usually don't have to drive past those. I get the heebie-jeebies just seeing the lights in the sky.




My second phobia I became aware of a few years back when I was working in the antique mall. One of the dealers had a showcase of fossils, rocks and unusual sea shells, and they also had a couple of horseshoe crabs (not alive, of course). If you haven't seen one, they are the most vile, prehistoric and loathsome creatures known to mankind:


Underneath, they're even MORE horrific:


Of course, someone would want me to open up that showcase and TAKE ONE OF THEM OUT to look at it more closely. No, sir. I would have to call my six-foot-five co-worker to do it, and even he would only hold it by the tail and grimace. I want all who read this to appreciate how difficult it was for me to post photos of these revolting crustaceans. I had dreams of one of these crabs coming back to life. I would be running down the aisle screaming like a banshee while the reanimated arthropod scurries down the aisle after me, making a metallic rasp on the concrete floor.

What are YOU afraid of?

A Bargain

I'd say we made a good trade this week: The USA got a President with a triple-digit IQ and Crawford got their village idiot back. All is good.............

House Wishes

Eventually, Adrian and I want to remodel our kitchen and both bathrooms. The kitchen is tiny, but laid out well. I don't like the cabinets or the countertops, though. I'd like something more along the lines of this, with a nice wood or tile floor:


Of course, I'd also like stainless steel appliances, but new cabinets and Silestone countertops would work fine.

As far as the bathrooms, we have a tub in the master bath and a shower in the so-called cat's bathroom (Adrian's term). I never use the tub except for showering, so something like this (with different colored tile and vanity) would be great:

The cat's bathroom needs a tile floor and a better, non-leaky shower with glass doors. Adrian wants a pedestal sink for that bathroom.

We also want to take out the carpet in the house and replace it with hard wood floors, except for the bedroom, where I'd like a nice berber carpet. Adrian plans on painting the house in the spring. I don't know when we'll be able to afford to do the remodeling. It will probably be a few years.

A boring week

Nothing happened this week, except for Friday, when I left work at lunch for 2 doctor appointments. The rheumatologist said "see you in 6 months" which means nothing is happening, and the shrink says I only should come every 2 months, if I need it. I suppose no news is good news.

Next week, I have to help teach a class on processing vouchers and get started on re-doing the work intranet webpage. That's bound to be more interesting than what I'm doing now. Plus, we have a 3 day weekend with MLK Day. I think we should get off every Inauguration Day too. It's one extra day off every 4 years, and c'mon, this one is HISTORIC. Plus, 4 day weekends are bitchin'!

I got about 2 inches of hair cut off this morning and it's time to color it again. The stylist said, "I can't believe how blonde you are! You must have looked like a ghost before you went red!" Yes, I did. Pale skin, pale hair. Being asked, "are you feeling OK?" by total strangers. Men seemed to be totally stupified by blonde hair, no matter what you actually looked like.....I don't miss being blonde. I'm a redhead at heart.

Back to work

Our 2 week winter break is over and back we go to work tomorrow. I'm sure it will be rather quiet tomorrow; they were doing some major renovations in my office when I left, so all of our computer equipment had to be disassembled and stored under our desks. Unless the computer fairies visited over the holidays, we'll probably be putting stuff back together for most of the day.

Had our customary Sunday lunch with Stainze today. He's going into the hospital on Jan. 13th to have a tumor on his kidney removed. It hasn't been biopsied yet, so he won't know if it's benign or otherwise until it's out. Need less to say, he's very nervous about the whole deal. He has some friends coming to stay with him for a bit, since he'll be off work for up to 10 weeks. We're hoping for the best for him.

Took down the Xmas tree yesterday and stored all the holiday stuff away. The old tree will go to Goodwill, along with the old bed frame and foundation. I could probably stand to get rid of other stuff too, like shoes. I wear shoes until they wear out. Time to go through the closet.....

Klutz

We went clothes shopping today, something I always dread. Predictably, I didn't find anything but I did marvel that most plus-size clothes seem to be in man-made fabrics. Is it not bad enough to be big and sweat a lot without being punished by wearing clothes that make the sweating worse? We also found some men's athletic shoes, which surely must be made for athletic clowns. I can't imagine a heterosexual male (or one who doesn't have a big red nose) wearing these:

We did have more luck at Home Depot, where we bought a 7 1/2 ft. tall, pre-lit Christmas tree that had been marked down from $250.00 to just $62.25. It didn't come with a box unfortunately, so at the moment it's lending a festive air to the garage.
We put the Honda in the shop today to get a new master cylinder:

When the call came from Groovy Automotive that the car was ready, I tried to go outside to tell Adrian, but I stepped out wrong and went down like a ton of bricks. I strained my left ankle and my right knee badly. I've had an ice pack on my ankle for the last hour and my foot is frozen. It doesn't hurt terribly, so I'm sure it's just a strain. Still, what a klutz I am......

First post of 2009

I don't usually make resolutions at New Years'. I find that I soon lose interest in such things as exercising (which I know I should do everyday) or eating right (I'm a foodie, what can I say?). I will make an exception this year. I will endeavor to be more creative. I'm going to post more regularly, even though the posts may not be always funny. Everyday life is not always amusing or entertaining; sometimes (many times) it's downright dull, but if I want to call myself a writer, I must write.

I'm on the last part of the 2 weeks winter break that we cushy state employees get every year. It's been absolutely great; I don't think I've ever had 2 weeks off all at once since I've been an adult. I've slept late every morning, watched movies, read books. I finished fixing my Yardbirds website (www.yardbirdsphotos.com) and gotten it up and running. I learned a new Mac application (iWeb) and generally, just enjoyed my life.

This past year was not bad by any means, even though I lost a job. It was a job I hated and losing it was a very good thing. I ended up with a job I like much better. Working at UT is like being a waiter in LA; everyone is something else (actor, dancer, director, etc.) and they're just working there to pay bills. I think that can be a healthy way to live if you tend to define yourself by your work like I do. It gives you something else other than work to put emphasis on. So, I'm now a writer who works at UT paying bills. Yep, that's the ticket, and it's a pretty good ticket.