New blog

 I have a new blog about being diagnosed with ADHD as an older adult. It's called ADHDME and it's here: ADHDME

This blog will still be my personal writing blog, so bookmark both please.

The Perfect Retirement

 In my dreams, I would actually get to retire, rather than work until I drop dead. I would have enough money to move away, since I've never lived outside Texas. I would move to Henderson, Nevada or Las Vegas, My dream retirement would involve Nevada, mainly because the cost of living is cheap and it's close to California. Not to mention the fact that although it's in a a desert, there are mountains that get snow every winter, several national parks nearby, plus it has beautiful canyons and an international airport.  I'm not enamored of the Strip like people seem to be, I don't gamble or drink much at all, but Vegas has every kind of food you can imagine to eat and most things are open 24 hours a day. and the neon lights are pretty.

I think I'd like living in the desert more than in a forest, because there are fewer bugs and low humidity. Dry heat IS a thing, folks. Anyone who's endured a sweaty Texas summer with 90% humidity that makes your clothes stick to your body and your makeup run in rivulets down your face will know why dry heat is better.

If I could not afford to move to Nevada, then I'd just move back home to Dallas, where I'd be closer to my friends and family. When you start getting old, proximity to people you know well takes a more important place in your life. Nevada is probably more an "ideal situation" type of retirement, rather than  what will actually be waiting for me in a few years. Hell, Nevada may be completely out of water by the time we could afford to move there.

A perfect life after retirement in the desert would include lots of thrift shopping, selling the stuff on Bay, drives to California, two cats, more cooking, more choice in restaurants for Sunday dinner, writing a book, and enough money to fly back to Dallas on holidays to see friends and relatives who cannot come out to Vegas to visit. Having enough money to travel a bit internationally would be fabulous.

More than likely, my Dallas retirement will consist of lots of thrift shopping, selling the stuff on Bay or in yard sales, hanging out with friends and family, lots of reading, taking part in "Friendsgiving", more cooking, writing a book, and two cats. Since most of our friends don't have kids and are getting older like us, we could all keep an eye out for each other. Sounds pretty nice.

Adult ADHD

This year, I started treating my newly diagnosed ADHD with talk therapy and a small beginning dose of Adderall. I take it only on workdays because they help me focus and concentrate at work. I was told not to take the med on Saturday and Sunday so that any chances of addiction would be minimized or eliminated. The Adderall doesn't help with crushing anxiety. The ADHD that explained so much of my personality and the way I think sits uneasily atop my wild anxiety like a toddler on a bucking horse.

I was very sad yesterday and burst into tears. I haven't cried in months, probably. I was overwhelmed with a sense of impending doom, like death and/or destruction was waiting for either me or my husband just outside the door of the seafood restaurant in which we were trying to enjoy our lunch. A creeping dread wrapped its tentacles into my brain and didn't let go until the evening. Maybe I was just generally overwhelmed. I've had episodes in the past where I was sure that some maniac with a machete was just around the corner or an out of control car was barreling down the street in my direction. I hadn't had one of these episodes in a long time, though. It was similar to a panic attack.

Although most people have an inner monologue, I'm more accustomed to "this is your conscience speaking" episodes, where I'll hear disapproving (and purely self-generated) comments regarding my life or work in my brain as my attention is busy with something else. These episodes can prompt a full blown panic attack: accelerated breathing, a feeling of isolation and a rising sense of fear and dread. I can be busy at work with a pile of records to go though, then a little voice in my ear whispers "you're going to die young like your mother did". The hyperventilating will then start. 

Other hits in this Desolation Row juke box are "something bad is going to happen to you.....your husband....your friends and there's nothing you can do about it"; "you're not smart enough for this job"; "you're going to be fired soon"; "you're going to be homeless one day"; "no one really cares about you, people only tolerate you". Listening to music or podcasts while I work are really the only way I can keep those thoughts at bay. Having other people compliment me on whatever I am doing doesn't even help because I don't believe them. I can only believe myself and those positive thoughts just won't come. I don't know how to think positively of myself. I only know how to tear myself down. I had hoped that age would alleviate this self-loathing but it has not. I honestly don't know what will.