Summertime Blues

I'm in the middle of my yearly summer depression. The heat, the pain and having to stay inside all the time get to me and my mood plummets. I usually don't start feeling better until it gets cooler in October. I get "intrusive thoughts" during this time of year; thoughts that will jump into my head when I'm engrossed in something else: "You'll die soon", "You'll be a widow", things along those lines. I've been in therapy for years learning different ways to cope with these thoughts, but nothing has ever made them stop.

Sometimes I think that I'll die never having enjoyed living, and this makes me even sadder. There have been episodes when I enjoyed my life, such as when my husband and I knew we were the ones for each other and when we married. I love being married and I can honestly say that it's the one good thing I've accomplished in my life, but I still feel like I'm just existing. Many times I feel like I'm too damaged to enjoy living, like a toy that's been thrown across the room too many times and won't work right. Life is a trial, for the most part.

All of this has nothing to do with anyone else in my life now. It's all to do with stuff from my past, dragging me down like a ball and chain. How old do I have to be to get rid of it? I don't like talking about this stuff to anyone, even if they ask. I know they're just doing it to be polite. It's boring and tiresome to me, so why would it be interesting to someone else? I post about it in this blog because it's the only place I feel comfortable about confiding.

I'll feel differently in October, I always do. That's the one lesson I've learned from dealing with life-long black depressions; this too shall pass. It always does. Whether what comes after is good or bad is hard to say.