more record store-ies

A couple of months ago I wrote about some of the more memorable customers I had when I worked at a used record store in Dallas. Those were the ones I remembered off the top of my head. Earlier today, I found my journal from those years and it definitely refreshed my memory of even more weirdos and unusual people:

1. A woman comes in and asks if we have any records by the band Point Blank. "My husband was in Point Blank and he wrote all their hits!"
"Oh yeah? What's his name?" She told me and I started looking through their records, all of which we happened to have at that particular point in time. "I don't see him listed on any of these, ma'am."
She becomes enraged ans starts yelling, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN? WHY ARE YOU SAYING THIS? YOU"RE ALL OUT TO GET MEEEEEE!" then she runs out of the store sobbing. She wasn't the first customer to run sobbing out the door after I was through with her....

2. Another woman came in and was looking through our Elvis Presley LPs. She brings a copy of Moody Blue up to me at the counter and says with a smirk, "You're ripping people off, you know."
"How is that?"
"This record is worth $40 and you have it marked for $20."
"How is it ripping people off if we sell the record for less than it's worth? I'd say that would be making them a deal, wouldn't you?", I replied, staring into her vacant eyes.
Her face sags heavily and she lays the record on the counter and walks out. About 10 minutes later, the phone rings.
"Hello, Record Shop."
" YOU'RE RIPPING PEOPLE OFF!! FUCK YOU!!! FUCK YOU!!!"
I hang up on the nutty bitch and she proceeds to call back and hang up 6 times.

3. A mousy little woman came in one day and asked for some records by Eddie & the Cruisers. (Eddie & the Cruisers was a movie, not an actual band. John Cafferty & the Beaver Brown Band (a real band) did the music in the movie). I tell her that we have the soundtrack.
"Don't you have any of their earlier records?" she peered through coke bottle glasses.
"Well, they don't have any earlier records. Eddie & the Cruisers was just a movie, they weren't an actual band."
"YOU'RE LYING TO ME! I KNOW EDDIE PERSONALLY!"
I thought I saw her hair actually go on end and I wasn't in the mood to deal with a psycho, so I tried to calm her down and asked if she maybe had a list of "Eddie's" older records. She reached in her ratty looking purse and brought out a crumpled piece of paper, which read:
Eddie & the Cruisers
Eddie & the Cruisers 2
Eddie & the Cruisers
Eddie & the Cruisers
Eddie & the Cruisers
listed 25 times. I told her that I would keep her list and call her if any came in. She walked out to her car in the parking lot and started ranting and raving to no one in particular, waving her arms, walking in circles around her car and poking her finger in the air. A policeman happened to be driving by and he convinced her to leave, finally...and no, I never came across any early Eddie & the Cruisers records. Not even Eddie & the Cruisers 2- Electric Bugaloo.

4. A Peter Lorre lookalike with a comb-over and huge bug eyes brings a King Crimson LP up to me. He's sweating profusely, so I step back and he stands even closer to me and pulls the record out of the sleeve, being oh-so-careful not to touch the groove. He points to a particular spot on the groove and simpers to me, "this is where the guitar solo starts, heh, heh, heh, heh........

5. An old codger wearing a fedora and suspenders comes up to me, winks, nudges me in the ribs and says, Hey Blondie! Whar do yew keep the "saucy" records?"

6. A drunk white guy in a Hawaiian shirt and straw hat comes in with 2 attractive black women who clearly can't stand the sight of him. He sidles up to Chuck, the store manager, and starts proclaiming about all the reggae stars he once played with. "Marley, Tosh, Wailer...all of 'em!"
He was standing so close to Chuck I thought he might kiss him. The black ladies were muttering "drunk-ass motherfucker....stupid son of a bitch...." etc.
The guy then goes out to his car and changes his hat. He comes back in with his new headgear, goes right back up to Chuck and starts all over again. Again, Chuck convinces the guy that he's just not interested, so the guy goes out to his car AGAIN and gets another hat. Chuck finally told him to get out......

7. A man starts telling me that records are no good and everyone should switch to CDs IMMEDIATELY (The loonies always seem to talk in CAPITAL LETTERS). I mentioned that I prefer the sound of LPs, since analog is how the human ear hears.
"BULLSHIT!" CDs ARE BETTER AND YOU KNOW IT! YOU MUST BE A DRUG ADDICT!!"

8. One of my favorite customers was a small red-headed gay man who was a serious collector. He was always nice and a pleasure to help. His catchphrase was "now, Lisa, no repros!" meaning only 1st pressings, no reproductions. Like I said, he was a serious record collector. One day he came in looking very sad and ill. He told me that he had just been diagnosed as HIV positive. I told him how sorry I was and how much I always looked forward to visiting with him. He thanked me, then said he needed to leave because he was hungry. I offered to share my Cheetos with him. He gingerly took one out of the package and burst into tears. He left, then about 2 weeks later, a friend of his came in and told us that he had died.

My bosses and co-workers had their moments too. Our 78 guy was a WW2 veteran and knew everything about 78 rpm records. He was vaguely grumpy, but never rude to customers. When I knew him, he was in his 70s and his pot dealer used to come to the back door of the shop. He liked a nice smoke and pretty young boys too. None of us had any problems with either the pot smoking (we all did it too, after all) or the pretty young boys. We all liked him very much and he had loads of customers who would come in to listen to his stories. Unfortunately, sometimes he would get on my boss's nerves and they would snipe at each other across the store.
One day, he had been talking to a new customer about Bunny Berigan's recordings and the customer wanted to get to know him better.
"How long have you dealt in the old records?"
"Oh, about 50 years, ever since I got out the Army. I was in WW2, ya know. Got a Bronze Star."
"Are you a married man? Got any kids?"
"No sir, I'm a life-long bachelor!"
I was standing in the office (which was 6 feet away from the 78 room) talking to my boss, the store owner, and she could stand it no longer.
"Life-long QUEEN is more like it!!" she exclaimed.
I stared at my boss incredulously, she laughed with that barking laugh of hers and there was silence from the 78 room.
"Well, sir, I'll be going now".

I went to the 78 man's funeral and his last pretty young boy (who had caused him many problems, stealing from him and the like) showed up with a transvestite in full disco regalia: sequined tube top, white short shorts, fake eyelashes, the whole works. My co-worker's family knew nothing of his private life and they were absolutely horrified. The boy came up to me with his "date" and said "Hi Lisa, do you remember me?"
"Unfortunately, yes." I turned around and walked away.