Anybody who knows me knows that I live with my inner child on the outside pretty much all the time. During my visit with the "pain counselor" today, he asked me what my childhood as like. So....I told him. After he picked his jaw up off the floor, he suggested that I "pay a visit to my inner child" in order to lend comfort. As he led me through a visualization of walking near the ocean (something which freaks me out) and coming upon a "small, forlorn figure all alone on the beach", I was overcome with sadness and asked him to stop. The "small, forlorn figure" was supposed to be my 8 year old self and I was supposed to be the strong capapble adult, lending a comforting hand. What could I tell that 8 year old girl that would be of any comfort whatsoever?
1. Cheer up! You only have one more year of being molested, then he'll get tired of you. He'll die eventually and you only have to keep it a secret for 10 more years...
2. You'll be happily married one day, but you'll have to live through 3 suicide attempts, your beloved mother's fatal illness and pain-filled death, the death of your beloved grandmother after years of wasting away in a nursing home, and an abortion...
3. You'll be somewhat happy one day, but until then, you'll be hospitalized for depression and be on every anti-depressant on the market and you'll have chronic health problems starting in your late 30s.....
4. Your father will continue to make stabs at trying to be your friend, then ignore you when something else comes along, so you can give up trying to get his attention....
I'd just as soon leave my inner child in the past and continue having a happy second childhood. I don't like talking about all that stuff, because truly, what good does it do? It sure doesn't make me feel better, and who wants to hear that crap? I only told him because I'm paying him to listen to me and I'm only posting about it here because it's the only memorable thing to happen to me today, except for doing our taxes......
I haven't even begun to tell him ALL the stuff that happened. I just gave bullet points and that's probably all he'll get out of me. It's in the past and that's where it will stay.....
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I think I get madder and madder at my father the older I get because I realize that I don't want to be wealthy or thin or any of that... I just want good memories of my childhood, and I'll never have those. I wonder what it would have been like to be loved, cherished and encouraged instead of ignored and made to feel like I was always in the way.
When I told the psychologist AND psychiatrist some of my stuff, neither of them were surprised or affected at all. I guess it is pretty commonplace for them to hear horrible, vile, disgusting things.
Yes, we have more in common than we ever thought. I love you back.
Shelly
I guess that hoary old saying about "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" is true. I only wish that we had been able to find that out the way most of our contemporaries did, through fun with drugs and alcohol...LOL
It's up to both of us to have lovely, fun second childhoods, filled with sunshine, skwerls and stuffed babies....that's what I'm working on.
painful post to read, but honest & real. you deserve the best, and i mean that...
Sorry, my inner child made me delete my earlier comment.
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