Triggered Memories

Every year starting on November 1st, I give myself permission to listen to my favorite holiday CD, "A Charlie Brown Christmas" by Vince Guaraldi. I love this recording so much, I only listen to it during the holiday season, so it doesn't lose its power over me. This is one of the few recordings I've found that can trigger pleasurable childhood memories for me, such as:

- my mom and I getting the green bean casserole put together to take to my great-grandparents' house for the family xmas celebration. It's very cold outside and Mom is letting me carry the foil-wrapped glass dish to he car. I feel very excited that I'm going to see my family and also because there will be lots of wonderful food.
- a similar memory: Mom and I heading out to Campbell to see the family there. One year, when I was 6 years old (1971), my grandmother and I had baked cookies to leave out for Santa Claus with a glass of raw milk (they lived on a dairy farm). I was sleeping on the couch, and about 4am, a light from the kitchen woke me up. I sleepily woke up and saw my grandfather eating the cookies and drinking the milk! I cried, "PAPAW! Those are for Santa! Now he won't leave me any presents!!!"
My grandfather replied, "Aw hell, girl, there ain't no Santa Claus. Now git back to sleep!"
My grandmother "set him straight" the next day, but that's when I found out the awful truth.....I did get a great present that year; a stuffed Flip Wilson doll. When you pulled the string, Geraldine said "The Devil made me do it!"

There's another recording that gives me sad childhood memories, and I can't listen to the song without crying: "Young and Innocent Days" by the Kinks on the Arthur album.

I look back at the way I used to look at life
Soft, white dreams with sugar coated outside
It was great, so great
Young and innocent days

I wish my eyes could only see
Everything, exactly as it used to be
It’s too late, so late
Young and innocent days

I see the lines across your face
Time has gone and nothing ever can replace
Those great, so great
Young and innocent days
- Ray Davies

This song reminds me of when I was grown up and I found out that many of my happy memories from holiday celebrations were put on purely for the children's benefit. My mother's siblings were angry at their parents for mistreating them when they were children, and for making some of the grandchildren favorites and almost ignoring the others. This hurt me tremendously, thinking that all this jealousy and anger was swirling around me and I was too dumb to notice.

It also reminds me that the people I love have gone, leaving me bereft. Others I love have grown so much older and I realize that I won't have them much longer.

This song is beautiful, as are many of Ray Davies' songs, but this one I have to skip over when I listen to the CD. It hurts too much to hear the truth sometimes.