More Than Average

 I am taller than average, bigger than average, and I weigh more than average. I have thick long dark blonde hair that is slowly turning gray. My eyes are blue/green/gray, depending on my mood. I have a very direct stare that I have been told can be intimidating. I have a smallish nose that is turned up at the end and thin lips. I have high cheekbones and pale skin, which is beginning to take a southward journey down my face.

My teeth are somewhat discolored, but they are straight. I have the Turner family wattle under my chin that will not go away, even with targeted exercises. My shoulders are broad and I have large full breasts that sag much more than I like. I have long arms and small musician hands.  My waist is non-existent. I have a flat ass and muscular legs that seem to benefit from exercise more than the rest of me. My feet are average size. The second toes on both feet are crooked and I have a dead nail on my right big toe.

I sometimes get compliments on my hair and eyes. I do have "resting bitch face" so I try to keep a pleasant expression. People used to ask me why I looked mad, or sad, or tired. Like many women with body dysphoria, I feel a disconnect between my mental picture of myself and what I see in the mirror every morning. If I need confidence for any reason, I skip looking deeply in the mirror.

I have been the poster child for self-loathing for most of my life. Even when I was dressed up, I only looked "OK" in my estimation. No one ever made a big deal about my appearance except for the fact that I dress for comfort, I don't look girly enough for most people in the South. Since I've been working from home, I don't bother with makeup unless I have to go out somewhere. I'm a personality type, rather than a good looks type. I would love to be one of the  self-confident "I know I'm fantastic" types, but I'm not. I cannot even imagine what that's like.