Speed Racer

 I woke up wide-eyed this morning at 3:30am. Usually, I don't wake until 5am so I can start in on my day slowly, make coffee and watch the news and not have to rush. My eyes popped open and my mind was racing at full speed. When this happens (a lot!), it affects my ability to rest. I feel like I'm running on fumes today. My mind is like a horse in full gallop.

Maybe my ADHD is causing most of the depression I've dealt with for most of my life? It's so difficult for me to relax lately. In the past, all I had to do was read or meditate, but I cannot keep my attention steady enough to escape into a book for very long now.

Oddly, pacing back and forth in my house does quiet my mind a bit. I used to love going for walks in the neighborhood that surrounded my work place. Walking outside doesn't help now because I have to be aware of my surroundings. I need to put on my earbuds and lose myself in music. I need to make stop stalling and major changes in myself. 

I need to be creative and write more. I feel mentally constipated, if there is such a thing; like I have so much in my head that wants to come out but just will not.

This is not an ideal way to start my work week. I'm normally pretty keyed up on Sundays evenings because I have to work the next day, but it's on overdrive today. I feel like I'm trying to give myself a pep talk: "you need to eat better, you need to relax more, you need to write more, you need to start playing your guitar again, you need to avoid the news more, etc." I need to do so much, yet I cannot get started.

Why is it so difficult for me to be myself?