This Masquerade

   Many people were blindsided by COVID and the big shut down, but life had vastly changed in my favor by my being able to work from home. I had been asking to go remote for years, because social anxiety had been difficult for me in my job. Part of the world of work is going to meetings and being ambitious in order to "move up the ladder". I'm more comfortable and productive when I'm relaxed. I've always felt like I had to put on a "mask" to be around other people. I don't adapt to change quickly, and my work situation had changed radically a few years back with new co-workers, different duties, etc., but I was still doing work that I enjoyed and thought I did well, with people I liked.

   My chronic depression flared up seriously after the pandemic started; probably from the stress of life changing so radically in such a short time. I learned in my 20s that chronic depression is just that: chronic, and it can return without rhyme or reason. The trick is remembering that it's a disease that has to be managed, like diabetes or arthritis. I don't necessarily need to have a reason for being depressed. Sometimes, I just am. However, I'm much more able to deal with my dark periods as an older person. Depression made my 20s  (and to a lesser extent, my 30s and 40s) extremely difficult. I was hospitalized in my early 20s and have been on antidepressants pretty much ever since. 

  I have good periods when my life is enjoyable and bad periods when it isn't. At least now, I know that "this too, shall pass". When my initial problems with depression surfaced during childhood, I thought I was just crazy, that my brain was wired wrong. Maybe I was from another planet; who knew? I was able to keep up with my friends and my education, but the stress was beginning to wear seriously on me. For a long time, I wasn't a pleasant person to deal with. I thought I would grow out of it with age. 

  In the last 4 or so years, I had started having difficulties at my job. I couldn't seem to retain information about work subjects from meetings, felt that I wasn't performing my job up to my usual standards and did not want to fail my supervisor and my co-workers. I am counting on staying at my job until my retirement in a few years, so I knew I needed to sort myself out.

  I made an appointment with a neuropsychiatrist. Testing was done and three weeks later, I received the news: I was diagnosed with Adult ADHD at age 56. 

  My long-standing relationship with major depression and anxiety were no secret to myself nor anyone I knew. I thought I might even be on the autism spectrum, but ADHD never entered my mind, so to speak. I thought it was something that parents of excitable little kids had to deal with, not middle-aged women counting down to retirement. This was completely another thing to manage. 

 The psychiatrist suggested that I treat the depression first, then deal with the ADHD when I wasn't struggling so much. I started reading about ADHD in adult women. Apparently, the symptoms consisted of much of what I considered to be my personality: scattered mental state, unless the subject was something in which I was interested; daydreaming in school and not being able to retain information unless, again, it was a subject I liked, then I would excel. I hated math and science classes because they made me feel stupid. Teachers would tell me to "apply" myself in order to learn algebra or statistics or physics and I just did not want to know. Band class, History and English I would excel at. 

 I've felt like I've wasted parts of my life. I tend to compare myself to other people my age (and always come up lacking). and it seemed like most other people my age had careers that they liked, not jobs that just paid the bills. Most of my other friends and acquaintances seemed to navigate the world of work much better than I did. I'm very fortunate to have a great home life, with a wonderful husband and a happy marriage, so that took away a bit of the sting of being different.  When I left my house, though, I was bombarded with signs that I WAS DIFFERENT. I had my DNA tested; I researched my family history; I took every online quiz I could find in order to "find" myself. What was wrong with me? I know I'm smart and extremely creative, but I could not find a way to harness that energy to my advantage. I've only been able to be the "quirky and idiosyncratic" friend who mostly keeps to myself. Maybe this diagnosis will be my way out of my mental funk?

  I have to say that I don't feel like I need to put on an act in order to be around other people anymore. I can take that as a blessing, others may take it as a threat. Maybe it's just getting older and being tired of performing in order to be accepted. As far as what the kids call "adulting" nowadays, John Lennon was right; whatever gets you through the night is all right, even if it means escaping into your imagination where everything goes your way. I'm not a very sociable person, but I love my family and my friends, and I value their friendship more than I could possibly say. I have a strong support system to deal with ADHD and I am looking forward to getting to know myself.