hic....hic....hic.......

I need to start drinking more heavily so I can treat people shitty and get away with it because "I was drunk". Apparently, when you drink, you can make plans with non-drinking people who will stupidly think you mean it, and then blow them off. When they get pissed at you, you can just say "oh hell, I was drunk, I don't even remember talking to you".
I've spent all these years being considerate to my friends and if I had been drinking, I wouldn't have had to bother! What a fucking drag! And according to another friend of mine (birthday boy), I have no right to be angry that I was "blown off", so to speak, because I can't control other people, so why be mad about how they treat me? Oh yes, and I'm blowing things all out of proportion and I'm "on the knife edge" too, according to said friend.
Now, I was raised among alcoholics, so you'd think I'd be used to this crap. But no, I married a good man who doesn't drink and I've tried to surround myself with decent friends, like Phillip and Shelly and Jimmy who don't treat people shitty. So I still do get really pissed when people whom I thought were my friends (some even relatives) who think it's OK to ignore me.
I hope I've never treated any of my real friends badly. If I ever did, I certainly never meant to......

Rough weekend

It's been a rough but enjoyable weekend. Our pal John turned 60 and had a big birthday party at a Mexican restaurant. He DJ'd and there was food and drinks, great music, etc. Unfortunately for me, the only place to sit was right in front of the speakers. I'm officially too old, because it was too fucking LOUD. Actually, I think it was because the speakers were lousy and full of distortion. Music played loud through good speakers doesn't bother me, even to the point where the bass makes my bones hum. Distortion is painful, however, and a major migraine started. Our pal Phillip and my sister-in-law Vicki were with us and we came back home around 11 and talked and snacked.

I also saw a girl who use to come into my record store in Dallas to buy records from me when she only 12 years old, but mainly because she had a crush on my co-worker Steve. She's now 29 (!) and lives here in Austin with her boyfriend. Twenty-nine years old! That makes me fucking OLD! She's a lovely woman and I was very glad to meet up with her again. My co-worker Steve, who was supposed to stay with us Saturday night, apparently made other plans and didn't even call to let us know.

Sunday, I got up earlier than usual since we thought my husband's other sister and her husband were coming over (that's what they said), but when we called them to ask when they would be here, we just got the answering machine. They've been blowing us off for a while now and I'm kind of tired of it. We all had a big misunderstanding earlier last year, but we all apologized and I thought it was over and done with. Now, every time we invite them over or they ask to come over, they never do. That's why I value my friends like Phillip and Shelly. They do what they say they're going to do and if can't for some reason, they let us know. Phillip and Shelly are real friends, and they seem to enjoy coming down here to visit us. We always have a great time when they do and I always look forward to seeing them. Shelly wasn't able to come to the party and we missed her very much.

I spent most of this afternoon (after Vicki went back to Dallas) in bed with a heat pack on my head, trying to get rid of this fucking migraine. The raised dosage of Lyrica is helping me sleep a lot better, but the pain is worse because I'm sleeping so deeply that I stay in one position for a long time (sometimes waking in the same position I fell asleep in) and I wake up feeling extremely sore and achy. I'll discuss that issue with the pain specialist later this week....

Please Bush, just....go away.....please.

I visited the "pain counselor" as recommended by my pain specialist. I told him my list of woes, that I had been on virtually every antidepressant on the market and tried biofeedback and cognitive therapy (which were a load of bullshit for my particular situation) and he listened, then suggested trying......you guessed it: biofeedback and cognitive therapy. "It's different now from what it was like in the 80s." Ahhh......we'll see about that. He said that when I see the pain doc again on the 1st, she would see about getting me on an SSRI. I mentioned Lexapro to her on my last visit. I haven't tried that one yet...

Monkey Boy is on all the channels giving his State of the Nation address. Every time he opens his mouth, people die. The Democrats aren't going to do any better. "I'm bored. Who should we invade now?"

I have an MRI on my neck and lower back on Thursday. I don't know exactly what they're looking for; the pain specialist thinks I have "issues" with vertebrae in those places. She pressed on a couple of places on my back and I almost collapsed from the pain, so maybe she's right. It doesn't bother me constantly, just an annoying reminder when I sit ir stand or lie in one position for too long. It prevents me from sleeping soundly, since the pain will wake me up whenever I switch positions. The raised dosage of Lyrica is helping the sleep part a bit, but not the pain bit. Maybe it will in time.....

I'm trying to get used to wearing my contacts again. I hate my glasses. I can't see as well with them as I could with my contacts, but my eyes are dryer now. I need to have my eyes checked again. If I could start wearing my contacts again, that would be so great.....

HIPPIES!!

I joined Wheatsville Co-op, a cooperative grocery here in Austin. Members get 7% discount and every now and then (I'm not sure how often) they have a Member Appreciation Day, when we get 10% off. It's like a small Whole Foods and much closer to my house. They have all kinds of great stuff and the prices are pretty good. I can't afford to get everything there, but I can get some stuff and their organic produce is great. They buy from local farmers, so everything is spectacularly fresh, and it supporting local business, which I'm all for. Of course, Whole Foods started here in Austin, so it's a local business too, but it's too far away to shop there regularly.

the Cutting Edge (57% dark, 42% spontaneous, 21% vulgar)

your humor style: CLEAN | SPONTANEOUS | DARK Your humor's mostly innocent and off-the-cuff, but somehow there's something slightly menacing about you. Part of your humor is making people a little uncomfortable, even if the things you say aren't themselves confrontational. You probably have a very dry delivery, or are seriously over-the-top. Your type is the most likely to appreciate a good insult and/or broken bone and/or very very fat person dancing. PEOPLE LIKE YOU: David Letterman - John Belushi The 3-Variable Funny Test! - it rules - If you're interested, try my best friend's best test: The Genghis Khan Genetic Fitness Masterpiece

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 99% on darkness You scored higher than 99% on spontaneity You scored higher than 99% on vulgarity

Link: The 3 Variable Funny Test written by jason_bateman on OkCupid, home of the The Dating Persona Test

This is so true. Whenever I make a joking comment at work, I'm usually met with silence, except from a couple of the loan officers and our underwriter, who all share my vulgar sense of humor. We're also the most educated people in the area. Coincidence? I think not.

Dinsy in the snow

it's Ween-ter!

Had to go to work this morning. I left Adrian sleeping in a nice, warm bed and made my way through the cold and wet streets to my office. I only worked until 10:15 then left for my appointment with the pain specialist. The doctor thought that I may have problems with a couple of vertebrae in my neck and lower back and my body trying to compensate for it is what's causing the pain. She also told me that I still had the scoliosis I had in junior high, which sent me to a chiropractor 3 to 4 days a week for several years then. I thought he had gotten rid of it, but no.....She gave me a new prescription for Lyrica, which I've been on for some time now, but at a much larger dose. My regular doctor hadn't been giving me a therapeutic dose, apparently. I also have to see a "pain counselor" and get an MRI on my back and neck.

Now for the shit news: The one psychiatrist who called me back and agreed to see me this Wednesday left a message on our answering machine last Friday night, saying that after talking to my doctor, she "doesn't think she can help me, so let's cancel the appointment, OK?" She recommended a couple of shrinks who might help me, but upon further research, I found that they only do research studies and don't see patients. WTF??? Can't help me? She didn't even speak to me, except to get my contact information. What is my doc telling people about me? That phone message prompted a hearty round of profanity from me. I had spent 2 weeks calling 25-30 different shrinks and she was the ONLY one who agreed to see me before March or even returned my calls. Now I can't be helped? Fuck this shit.....

Chris Rea

Chris Rea is one of those musical artists who are terrifically popular everywhere around the world except here. Seems like the rest of the world has better taste than we do, imagine THAT.
I've been a fan of his since his 1st LP "Whatever Happened To Benny Santini?" came out in 1978. His one big American hit "Fool (If You Think It's Over)" was on that LP and it has been one of my favorite records since then.


Rea is known for his gravelly, smoky voice and blues guitar playing, and he had a world-wide Number One hit (except here, of course) with "The Road To Hell".


He had to stop touring after a bad bout with cancer that left him without a pancreas, gallbladder and duodenum. He still makes music though and paints too. He has a new "musical book" out called Blue Guitars: a 11 cd set, with a live DVD and a book of his paintings included.

Why isn't he more famous here in the US? Chris Rea is amazing....

Misery Goat

My doctor made an appointment for me to see a pain management specialist on Monday. Perhaps, he'll tell me to go home and get some rest after I see him and I'll get Martin Luther King Day off, like everyone else. Or maybe I'll have to go to work.
Then, one of the 25 psychiatrists I called finally called me back and agreed to see me next Wednesday. I get to leave work early that day. Maybe my misery goat is on its way out the door......

Projects

We have a composting bin that came with the house. I have no idea how to use it. We recently put out about 12 thirty gallon bags of leaves for the garbage men to take away, so maybe I should do some reading up on how to compost. It would probably benefit the bare patches in the back yard......
Also, we need to get a bat house. Bats eat huge amounts of flying insects, so we'd be able to sit outside without being plagued by mosquitoes. We bought a little plastic birdhouse today to provide entertainment for the cat. I'd also like to get a nice birdbath for the flower patch right outside the back door. We've already got some nice strings of lights to put up in the trees. We also want to get some rolls of reed fencing to give us some privacy from the house directly behind us. It's empty now, but it probably won't be for much longer.....
My primary care doctor wants me to see a psychiatrist in order to get back on meds for depression. I've called all the one on my insurance company list and they're either not accepting new patients, can't see me until March or just won't return my calls. I've got to do something about it soon, because the pain is depressing me further, as is just not sleeping well. I've been almost panicky about it at times. I feel like I want to crawl into bed and sleep for a week, but I can't do that. I have to work. I can't put my job at risk.

Bad Day

The pain is really bad today. I felt so bad at work that I snuck off twice to the ladies room to cry. It's hard to describe. It feels like I've been beaten with a baseball bat; very, very sore and throbbing, all over my body, almost like I'm radiating with pain. My face was numb from hyperventilating all day.....
When we got home, I took one of Adrian's oxycodone that he had left over after his gum surgery, and it just took the edge off the pain. Now I'll have another night of waking up every time I shift position in bed, because the pain will shoot through me and startle me awake.
And it's raining again......